The Ultimate in Notebook Security. Really ! Pls read to the end for the best stuff.

Posted : 15 Aug 2002

Dear Notebook User and Frequent Traveller

In the wake of September 11 and world wide security concerns I have organised a deal with a local security firm with high level overseas contacts especially for all those clients with notebooks and who travel overseas in dangerous regions.

Basically the kits revolve around notebook carry bags and briefcases. Various add-ons, electronics and advanced materials using the absolute latest in technology are used throughout. If you want the best, then for a price, I can provide it.

Due to the restricted nature of some of the materials and electronics provided then some options are only able to be provided upon the receipt of an official government order and adequate bone fides being presented.

See below for promotional launch specials.

Nylon
Basic nylon carry bag $35
Dual compartment nylon carry bag $55

Synthetic Leather look-a-like
Leather look-a-like carry bag $85
Dual compartment leather look-a-like carry bag $105

Leather
Leather carry bag $185
Dual compartment leather carry bag $225

Aluminium Briefcases
Prices start at $590

440C Stainless Steel Briefcases
Prices start at $2,150

Titanium Briefcases
Titanium alloy briefcases start at $12,000

Reinforcing Inserts and Panelling
Carbon fibre reinforcing (explosion resistant) $3,500
Woven Kevlar layers (recommended to get at least 3 layers, 5 or more gives best protection) $4,500
- due to the nature of kevlar weave, this insert requires a continuous spiral binding necessitating only top opening
Ceramic "Chobham" amour lamination inserts (armor piercing, teflon ammunition and explosion proof) $price upon application
- pls be aware that these inserts are rated as "Top Secret" and sale requires an official government order

Alterations
Water resistance $75
Water proofing (100m) $690
- the seals for this alteration require careful attention when sealing the briefcase
Stealth - passive (materials based), using the latest US technology $price upon application
- ideal for quick check in and check out at customs
- pls be aware that these inserts are rated as "Top Secret", sale requires an official government order and can only be sold with the anti-tamper and self destruct kit
Anti-Tamper proofing $1,500
- pls read the instructions carefully before activating and don't leave near children. Pls note that the glue is very strong !
Self destruct kit $3,200
- ditto for anti-tamper proofing, except even more so. Pls hold case at arms length before activating and close your eyes.
Nano-tech Self destruct kit $18,000
- Never, ever forget to take the supplied serum before activating. The serum can be supplied as a false tooth for ease and speed of activation. Brown goos are pretty hard to rebuild from. Although my suppliers are working on it !
Active camouflage (blends the briefcase into its surroundings making it almost undetectable) $18,000
Ablative (active explosion) layering $15,000
- due to the nature of this high explosive rocket launcher and guided missile protection, we recommend that your body guard takes possession of the briefcase when used. For those times of last resort. Always use with hearing protection.

Internal Modifications and Extras
Mobile phone damper (latest Israeli version, range can be set from 100m to 2km) $15,000
- pls be aware that these electronics modules are rated as "Secret" and sale requires an official government order
GPS Security Tracking (global range, 2 year battery life) $2,300
- perfect to recover your case if stolen
Breathable air supply with mouthpiece $700
- air cylinder gives approximate 15 minutes breathing
Breathable air supply with full face mask $900
NBC suit complete with Atropine injector $7,000
- pls be aware that Atropine injections can be hazardous unless there has actually been an NBC strike.
Stealth - active (electronics based) $price upon application
- pls be aware that these inserts are rated as "Top Secret" and sale requires an official government order and can only be sold with the anti-tamper and self destruct kit
Jamming module (jams all electronic communications within a 500m range) $35,000
Filtered water (supplied in 1 litre stainless steel container) $36
Freeze dried rations $12 each
Jet Pack (20 seconds of thrust) $8,500
- recommend that this is purchased with a parachute kit (if you misjudge the timing or length of your flight)
- practice first before using when you really need it.
Silk Parachute kit (available in Nato Woodlands, desert, snow, Auscam or any other cam pattern) $3,000
Self powered wheel and steering kit (some of the "extras" get a bit heavy) $1,200
- note that we only use natural, disposable battery technology. We care for our environment !
Bribe money (any currency, guaranteed undetectable forgeries) $50 per $1,000
False documentation (become anyone, no nationality is too tough) $5,000
Disguise kits $1,200
- comes with complete training manual and skin dyes, so good your mother wouldn't recognize you after
- no animals were used in the testing and development of our cosmetics
Electronic translator (covers over 50 languages) Just released ! $3,500
Lockpicking kit (all hardened steel for long durability and those extra tough locks) $500
Claymore kit (amazing what can be done with 2,000 ball bearings) $4,100
- always make sure that the case is facing the right way prior to activation
- not recommended for use with delicate documents inside the case.
- must be ordered with the titanium case and carbon fibre reinforcing otherwise we cannot guarantee the integrity of the case's contents after detonation

The "Pakistan" Travelling kit $52,000
A bundle starting with the Titanium Briefcase with the Chobham inserts and the NBC suit with Atropine injector. Even if you don't survive, your briefcase will. All cases fitted with a radiation reflection layer and an exterior thermal protection layer.
Note : the first 5 sold come with a free radiation detection kit.
Unfortunately the warranty is void within 500m of ground zero at the time of initial detonation

The "Israeli" Travelling kit $55,000
A bundle with the 440C Stainless exterior, carbon fibre reinforcing with popout panels allowing you to crouch behind to avoid any pesky suicide bombers, active camouflage and the jamming module (perfect to jam remotely detonated devices).

Pls note that this is only the initial list of bags, cases & options available at the launch of these great new products. Weapons to follow later.

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I was going to save this for 1st April next year but I couldn't be bothered waiting and my creative juices got going once I started.

Pls Note that this is a parody and that no foreign nationals were harmed in the writing of the article

If this article offends you, sorry but there are a lot worse other things out there in the world you should really be getting concerned about instead. Take a deep breath and email me your concerns if you wish.